Nine years ago my life was forever transformed. At 18 years old I found myself in a dark and lonely place with a heart that ached to feel and be loved. The level of desperation to feel loved and valued was so great that I day-dreamed about terrible situations happening to myself in hopes that I would finally feel seen, loved and valued. The desire to be loved by people will cause you to do things that only send you into a never ending cycle of insanity.
In those desperate days I would call out to God, asking Him to make things right in my relationships. I knew God was there and I knew He was real. I just did not know who He was. I had hit rock bottom and needed someone to rescue me before I drowned in my heart-break, rejection and depression. Then God reached out to me through a college professor.
After completing an assignment in my public speaking class my professor asked to speak to me. He began to tell me that there was a God that loves me, sees me and wants to be in relationship with me. He encouraged me to start discovering God by reading the Gospel of John. I walked away from that conversation with hope and determination to discover this God that wanted me.
Every night for 3 weeks I would read a chapter from the Gospel of John. To be honest, I didn’t understand what I was reading! The word seemed so complex but I was determined to understand and I continued to read. As I read the Gospel of John, I found myself feeling stronger and hope filled each day. Certain things in my life that satisfied me no longer quenched my thirst. Something was changing within me and I knew it was God. The word truly is alive and active (Hebrews 4: 12). So much so that without me even truly understanding the words I read, it was doing something within me.
After those three weeks had passed I asked Christ to come into my life while laying in bed one night. I fell asleep almost directly after asking Him into my heart. The next morning as I woke, I shot up from my bed and had to catch my breath. I remember placing my hand on my heart as I felt it beating to a different rhythm. I felt out of breath and yet felt like I was breathing for the first time in my life. My heart literally felt renewed. Everything that had once ruled my heart was gone. I sat there and felt wholeness in my heart with what felt like beams of light bursting out of me. I knew it was Christ.
I understood in that moment that in order for me to know this love and fulfillment in my life I had to make some hard decisions and end relationships. I said to God that morning, “Lord, if I still feel this way in a week, I will let go of those things.” Sure enough, a week later on the dot, I felt God ask me while driving to work, “Are you going to start living for me, or will you continue to live this life you are living?”.
Instantly I knew it was time to choose Christ. I started to sob as I knew that I had to let go of relationships in my life that were actually at war for the placement of “god” in my life. That day I ended those relationships as a sign that I was ready to start living for Christ. In the weeks following and now nine years later I have discovered that the love and purpose that I had so desperately searched for was found in Christ, and Christ alone.
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Website: She Laughs Project