My heart was shattered and my pillow soaked with tears. I had already bought the dress and a date was set. The ring on my finger proved to be meaningless. Another breakup.
Since 16, I had never been the girl who stayed single for very long. Always trying to fill the void, I’d jump into a new relationship almost immediately. But now, I was a new Christian and those days were behind me. But I didn’t know how to be alone nor could I stand the thought of it. I believed I needed a man in order to be happy or to feel I had any worth.
Over the course of 2 1/2 years the Lord took me on a journey of deep healing. When God allows something painful in your life, you can be sure He will use it to grow you closer to Him. You see, I had a much deeper issue in my heart than the wounds caused by this broken engagement. Hidden under the surface was the real cause of my pain. God was not sitting on the throne of my heart, my ex fiancé was. There was a war for my heart and God was jealous over my attention (Deuteronomy 4:24).
For years I was blinded to the fact that I idolized men. I worshiped how they made me feel, the attention they gave me, the comfort they sometimes provided. This is why I found myself walking the road of promiscuity. Because it was there that I found all that my sinful heart craved. I was a broken girl who often felt rejected so I searched for acceptance by sacrificing my purity on the altar of boys.
But soon after the veil was lifted, I could see clearly the control I allowed my ex-fiancé to have over me. God had already begun to break the chains of bondage I had clung so tightly to. I praise the Lord for ripping that man from my arms! Though I felt tremendous pain for many months, it was the best thing that could have ever happened. Our Lord always knows best.
We can trust Him in every circumstance (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Clearing my heart of this idol was a process. There was pressing temptation to fall into old sin. There was deep sorrow as I watched the man who broke me, marry before me. There were nights of crying alone on my bed praying and begging God for a husband. God faithfully reminded me that what I needed was not a husband--but Himself instead. He is the only one who can mend a broken heart (Psalm 147:3) and truly satisfy and provide for our every need.
I’ll always remember the moment I truly felt freed from the heartache I had endured. I was in my apartment on a Friday night studying my Bible…and I was okay with it. Actually, there was nothing I wanted more. I was alone physically but very aware of God’s presence and He was enough. Contentment, a word I was not fond of, had settled upon my heart. I never believed it was possible to be happy while single, but God had changed me.
My “happy ending” was not that I found a husband. My “happy ending” was finding everything I needed in Christ alone. He became my soul’s greatest desire and that brought more freedom than I had ever dreamed.
I’m beyond thankful for what God taught me and how He molded me during that season. Had He not pointed out the false refuge in my life, I would not be the wife I am today. I would still believe men are the answer to all my problems. Many women do believe this and when their husband fails them they look elsewhere. I have no doubt that I would have become one of those poor women, deceived into thinking I needed to marry a different man to find happiness. But God was merciful to bring to the surface sin I was unaware of. He has saved me from much heartache by allowing my heart to ache so that He could change me. He is faithful.
Learn more about Brittany by checking out her blog: http://godsmyhealer.tk/