Love can heal what words divide.
In my home growing up, I never experienced peace. Coming home was like walking on eggshells, not knowing if my father was going to be in a good mood or bad mood, so I did just about anything to avoid being home. Every time my father stepped through the front door, everyone had to tread shallow waters and quickly adapt to their survival skills. Mine was avoidance and escaping.
My high school years involved me devising excuses to avoid being home because of my father’s anger problems. It’s a dad’s job to help his daughter feel secure, loved and beautiful. I felt everything but that. I felt unworthy of love, incompetent & that I could never measure up to my father’s standards. Eventually, this transcended into my relationship with God, I couldn’t comprehend how God could be a loving Father, when all I had experienced from my earthly father was pain.
I became bitter over my feelings towards my father and towards God. I was an over-achiever, in order to prove that I wasn’t incompetent. I attempted in having control over my grades, my athletic performance, my appearance, you name it. I created a façade of portraying the perfect PK (pastor’s kid), “good girl,” poster child, in attempts of feeling the acceptance I never felt in my own home.
I always felt inadequate. I always wanted to please others through performance. I couldn’t help but think that I would never be enough- no matter what I did. I always sought approval from others. Anything to prove that I was worthy, that I had it all together - when in reality, I didn’t.
In attempts of looking for affirmation in guys, my father, other people - rather than in God - I reaped anger, loss of self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and boundless seeds of insecurity.
I hid behind fake identities.
I didn’t like the idea of being deeply honest with God, but in fact, He knew how I was hurting. After coming to a pivotal moment in my life, I realized how not “put together” I was. I was broken. I was depressed and full of unvented anxiety.
Rendering over that control to God was difficult. Easy to have, but hard to give up. To say, okay God, I give you the reins. God taught me that through my brokenness, I was beautiful.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. - Song of Songs 4:7
I didn’t have to prove anything; I had already been redeemed, set free, and forgiven. I was His daughter - no merit had to be earned.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14
He was waiting for me on the side, waiting for me to turn to Him and let him have full control of my life, to give Him the reins. It’s scary, it’s not easy. But it’s so freeing and refreshing to know our Heavenly Father has His arms open wide, ready to carry our burdens.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles. - Psalm 34:17
I believe that God is with us in our suffering, and that His purposes may be hidden, but they are benevolent and ultimately for the better good. God molds us into jars of clay for us to be able to testify of His love, mercy, and faithfulness in our lives in the midst of trials.