I can still see myself sitting in that recliner as he ended our relationship. My soul was shattered; I was l certain I would never be whole again. This wasn’t just another break up - this felt like the end of me.
I was berated by every insecurity, every painful word ever said, every lie spoken, every agreement my heart made with the enemy.
Why did God let this happen? Why did he leave me? Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t we work it out? I had more questions than I had answers and more pain than I had peace.
In this pain I did not run to Papa. I did not fall to my knees in prayer. I rejected Him because I believed a great deal of this was His fault.
My heart grew hard. I stopped crying, not because there weren’t anymore tears to cry, but because I was tired of crying, I was tired of hurting, tired of asking questions I did not have the answers to.
For months I was lifeless; my heart isolated and dying, my soul starving. But pain is persistent, it demands to be felt. In order to keep from feeling I continued to cut off parts of myself that made such demands.
Looking back, my heart aches for that young woman lost in her pain. She laughed without joy, her smiles were empty, her eyes stayed averted in an attempt to hide her shame and pain. Fear haunted her, anxiety controlled her thinking, anger fueled her existence.
I refused to forgive my ex-boyfriend. I refused to trust in a God that would allow all that transpired to happen. I refused to trust in a God that still loved him.
All of this continued until an unexpected conversation broke the levy of emotion that I had suppressed.
My roommate sat to talk with me about our friendship. Her words were not hurtful and her motive was not ill. She approached me with grace and love.
But because of the condition of my heart all I heard was, “Jaunyce, once again, you have failed.”
In that moment, everything was undone. I shut down mentally, checking out long before the conversation was over.
When she left I fell apart. The tears I hadn’t cried, the pain I hadn’t felt, the questions that had no answers; it all came full force knocking out every defense. I felt out of control, I was so afraid of feeling but I couldn’t make it stop. In this moment Jesus came for me. He revealed to me that though this pain was the result of the end of my relationship, it triggered something much deeper.
I eventually allowed Jesus into this brokenness. I saw that He had no hand in my pain. He was gracious with my heart as I learned to trust Him again. His love is so magnificent.
In this process of healing my perspective began to change. For the first time, I began seeing glimpses of what Jesus saw when He looked at me.
With every glimpse my heart desired to see more. He replaced the lies with truth and I saw a beauty within myself that was deeper than I ever believed I possessed.
The more I saw the truth of who I was, the more I realized that so few women knew this truth about themselves, especially as it came to their beauty.
I kept asking Papa what I could do to change this. From deep pain, and even deeper healing, I Call You Beautiful was birthed.
The Holy Spirit inspired me to not only share the truth as it comes to the beauty that every woman uniquely and innately possess through the Word of God, but to also share the stories of women changed by that truth.
So every Thursday morning I do just that on ICallYouBeautiful.com.
Oh, how grateful I am for the relentless love of Jesus Christ. I am so much more of the woman I was created to be than I’ve ever been in my life. In my brokenness I met the most beautiful parts of myself, and now I have the honor of introducing other women to that very same thing, the beauty within themselves.