As a writing ambassador for Lane Of Roses, I am given writing assignments, and my assignment for this month was to write about a time where God gave me hope in a hopeless situation. I knew instantly what I wanted to write about, but I didn’t know if I was ready to write it. I tried a few times to write of other things but I failed every time. I kept hearing God say, “Listen to me!! Write what I am telling you to write, you’re ready.” So here goes nothing.
Sitting back and reflecting over the last 3 months of this year I see so much growth in myself. I see a lot of pain but I see a greater amount of joy. I give God all the credit for that, because after all I have been through, it seems it would’ve been easier to just quit. I am so glad I didn’t.
On December 8th, 2016 I woke up knowing there was another life growing inside of me. My husband and I were expecting our third child, and I was 5 weeks and 3 days. I’m almost 100% positive she was a girl, a little girl we decided to name Avalon. We had already had two successful, healthy pregnancies so we never expected what was to come. I started cramping and having other symptoms of miscarriage earlier that day. I left work and drove myself to the E.R. At this point, no one other than a friend and my husband knew I was pregnant. When I checked in and told the triage nurse about my suspicions, almost immediately she rushed me back to do an ultrasound. After an hour or so, the doctor came in and told me the baby had no heartbeat and my body was rejecting the pregnancy. I couldn't even reply, I just begged God over and over to please let it be a mistake. I knew it wasn't.
The next two days were just a blur for me. I fell asleep crying, I woke up crying and spent every moment in between crying. I had never had to deal with grief like this. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I blamed myself for the loss of my child. I replayed every day leading up to my miscarriage trying to pinpoint what I did to cause myself to lose my baby. I thought over and over what I could’ve done differently to prevent this from happening, but there was nothing that I could’ve done.
A lot of people disagree with me when I say this, but me losing little Avalon was part of God’s master plan for me. I am slowly starting to see a small part of that plan. Because of this loss I have been able to reach out to people in my church and a few of my peers who have experienced miscarriage. A majority of the women I have spoken to have never really spoken to anyone about their miscarriage and have never even gotten to grieve. Several of those women have helped me tremendously and I hope that in some small way I have helped them too. I thank God every day for the support system He has placed in my life because without them I would not be where I am now.
Through this whole season, which has been the hardest of my life, I have never once blamed God or been angered with Him. But I did ask Him why. Why me? Why after I told my kids? Why let me get so attached? Questions that I knew had no answer. A verse that I always meditate over in my times of questioning is this: “Before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that’s what I had in mind for you.” Jeremiah 1:5 MSG. This verse is awesome because it not only tells me that God knew me before I was even conceived, but He also knew my baby. He knew I would conceive Avalon and He knew that she would be called home very early. It was part of His plan not only for me, but for my husband and for little Avalon herself.
As a parent, one of my goals is to raise my child to love Christ and to have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. Although I will not get to do this with Avalon, I know that the whole time she was in my stomach she heard worship music, she heard good night prayers and she heard Bible stories. She saw Christ before she even made it out to the world. It comforts me knowing the first person she saw was Jesus, her father above all fathers. It comforts me knowing that she will never know the wicked of this world, that she will never shed a tear of sorrow but instead she will spend every moment of her life in Heaven praising God. Those facts help me to praise and glorify God through my miscarriage.
A loss of a child is a hard loss to go through -a loss of anyone is hard - and even though there are times I just want to cry for my baby, I trust in God. As women of faith we must trust in God’s plan for us and trust in His faithfulness to us. We have to remember to keep that hope. Not once has God ever left us and I know He never will. There is absolutely nowhere we can go that Christ won’t have eyes on us. Sometimes we just have to step back and remind ourselves that God knows JUST what He is doing in our lives and ultimately His plans for us are far greater than our plans for ourselves. He will always always be faithful. He will always send us our hope. It is so important to always seek out God even in times of grief and struggle. It is important for us to learn to trust Him even when it seem
s like nothing's going right in our lives. GOD IS WORKING! He IS doing something amazing, we may not see it right away, but we have to have faith in God's faithfulness to us and remember that He saw our tomorrow yesterday. A good verse to close with is this, “This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” Hebrews 6:19 MSG.