I sat there and wondered where did everything go wrong?
I wondered what I had done.
I also wondered when it was that I began to grow so far away from Him or maybe the sad truth is that I had never really known God in the first place.
I was sitting there on my closet floor and crying – crying until I could not cry anymore. My body felt so heavy. I was drowning. I had never felt more alone than in that very moment. The person that everyone thought had it all together finally lost it. All I truly wanted was for someone to listen to me; someone to choose me; someone to understand me. More than anything, I wanted someone who loved me.
There I was, having lost it all with nothing left to offer. But there He was, standing there waiting for me with open arms and I did not even realize it. I had to lose everything to realize I already had it all.
I had spent so much time placing the face of my own father onto our Father that I did not allow myself to see just how much He loves me. The father, family, and friend my soul was craving was right there in front of me all along. He was standing right there desperately waiting to rescue and welcome me home.
He is still standing there waiting for me every single day even when I pick the things back up that I had already laid down at His feet. This is the kind of father He is. No matter how many times I fail, He still calls me His daughter. He continues to show me His unfailing love, unexplainable grace, and immeasurable patience.
He has given me everything I could never repay Him for. I am so unworthy of this love but He never looks at me this way.
He chooses me.
He loves me.
He has changed me, and is changing me still.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
The battles may come but I know who holds tomorrow and who is willing to fight the battles for me. My hope is in something so much more greater because I know who He is and my inheritance is eternal.
Choosing God is the single greatest decision I have ever made. I am not sure how I ever tried to live without Him but frankly, I never want to again.
This is just the beginning of truly living.