Do better and be better. These are the words that have constantly gone through my head for my entire life. To say that I have had a fear of failure would be an understatement. This played into every area of my life. I could get a 90 on a paper but become extremely frustrated with myself because I could have done about 10 points better. If I thought someone was upset with me, I would let it eat me up for weeks or even months. If I missed a shot in basketball, I thought I was the worst player that had ever played and believed everyone else thought that about me too.
When I received acceptance into graduate school, I knew that this pressure for perfection would increase. I am going to school to become a marriage and family therapist, so I have the difficult privilege to work with families. While this has been exciting, it has also been the most challenging time of my life because of how hard I am on myself. I have had to fail in order to learn and I have had to realize that I cannot do this on my own.
One day, when I felt that I couldn't help any of my clients and I was becoming exhausted from hearing people's problems and not being able to help, I decided to pray. Although I have been a Christian for my whole life, this prayer seemed to be different. I was in complete surrender. I realized that I could not do this on my own anymore and I felt God tell me, "Let me use you!" This seemed like such a simple phrase and one I have heard before, but hearing God say that to me was absolutely life changing. I had a sense of peace that I had never experienced before. From that moment, I knew that God would be able to use me for things that I could never do on my own. I knew that the people I will meet through therapy will only be able to find hope if I allow God to form the words I speak to them. Though my desire for perfection has been challenging, it has allowed me to realize that while I have weaknesses, God can prove Himself strong through those weaknesses. I now praise Him for my shortcomings because His glory is shown through them.