I sat at the computer with hands trembling on the keyboard as I stared blankly at the screen, hesitating to write the words that were surging through my spirit. Up until this point, the past couple of weeks had been a numbing blur. I knew whether I wrote the words God was gifting me or not, truth would prevail. I chose obedience and suddenly my fingers began dancing on the keyboard as tears started seeping down my face.
I was 20 years old, and my dad was lying in a coma at the hospital. He had suffered a stroke a few weeks earlier. The doctors said the outcome didn’t look good, but my mom never stopped believing God would heal her husband. I believed it too, but something was telling me that our prayers wouldn’t be answered the way we wanted.
I’m the second oldest of six children and we were fortunate enough to have had parents that loved God and were passionate about educating us in their faith. It was always comforting to me to have a Biblical foundation growing up because our life seemed to always be turbulent. I was in my early teens when I made the decision to be baptized. Afterwards, I remember life seeming stale and painful. I expected trials, but I also expected fruit, which I wasn’t producing, and this frustrated me greatly. It wasn’t until the day I chose obedience and let the Holy Spirit guide my fingers to write the very words I’d end up sharing with my family to help prepare them for my dad’s earthly departure, that I truly understood I was the daughter of the one true King. Those words I was hesitant to write, produced a poem. Exactly one day after sharing it with my family, my father passed away and our lives changed forever.
Yes, I was losing my daddy. But I was also gaining my Abba. I found my identity in Christ through one of the most difficult seasons of my life. And, for the first time, my relationship with God was an intimate one and His word was alive in me. My obedience and trust in God resulted in a veil being lifted. I was aware of the Spirit’s guidance as He prepared my heart to say goodbye to my dad. I couldn’t believe He trusted ME with the responsibility to prepare my family as well. He trusted me. He chose me. In the midst of nauseating grief, I was comforted by my King. During that season, guilt from a past eating disorder, self-harm, and attempted suicide had begun to dissipate. I was never the same again and haven’t stopped writing since.
Have you ever had a season of life that you coasted through? A season where you believed in God, but you didn’t understand your purpose? Where nothing makes sense and the pain of every trial you face is daunting and never ending? You know God is there, but you can’t feel His Presence?
I have absolutely no idea what you’re going through my beautiful sister, but I’m here to tell you to HANG IN THERE. DON’T GIVE UP!! Your disappointment and sorrow is only temporary and our time on earth is fleeting. There WILL BE a time when our hearts will rejoice and no one will be able to take our joy away from us (John 16:22). God’s given us a mission, and together with His lead, we’ll accomplish it. It won’t be without tribulation, but we can be confident and rejoice in hope! Keep diving into His word and keep yourself immersed in a faith-filled community that will remind you of God’s truth while uplifting you. You, my dear, are never alone.