“I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.” My strength, my home, my redeemer—the Lord Jesus.
I grew up thinking that Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit were just magical beings like fairies, mermaids and Santa Claus - we all knew about them but we never really saw them.
My parents were both Christians. So I was brought up to know of Jesus, praying, attending Sunday School, and attending a Christian School from kindergarten to middle school.
I thought I must’ve been considered a Christian then. I knew Jesus. I must have. Right? I must have, being the person who abided by the rules, hated basically "bad" people—people who have vices, who drink, who do drugs—those kind of people. I would NEVER be one of them since I knew Him.
At the age of 10, my parents were robbed just 200 meters away from our house, my father got shot straight in the head and they beat up my mom and pushed her off an eight foot cliff. My dad got paralyzed and my mom had to leave the country to sustain us financially.
This changed my life, not for good but the other way around.By the time I was 12, I ran away from home. I was led to alcohol and cigarettes by my “friends” who were 6-10 years older than me.
I am now 20 years old.
I got hooked to drinking and smoking when I was 13, and throughout the years until I’ve reached this age, I started using drugs. I got molested and raped, I got into an abusive relationship, I turned to a heavier kind of drug.
Then I became an alcoholic.
Through the years I’ve hated God, blamed Him for everything wrong that happened in my life - not knowing that He loved me so much, He was always with me and He never left me or abandoned me.
I knew He was there because of all the times I was put in a situation where I could’ve been killed, when I could’ve died, didn’t. I was safe. I was able to get home safely.
I know God gave me so many chances to stop and change but I still ended up slipping back to my old ways. I got pregnant when I was 19 by a guy who was just using me.
My daughter was my turning point.
During the first months of my pregnancy I was so depressed. I pushed all of my friends and family away. I felt so unloved and unworthy. I felt like I was alone. My mother whom I wanted approval from unconsciously beat me down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I was done. Done with living. I thought, I can’t be a mother now, I am unfit for it.
This poor little girl’s gonna have a mother like me.
What if I just put an end to all of it?
These thoughts scared the heck out of me.
These thoughts, I fought! I fought hard, and I decided in my heart to pursue Jesus. To cling on the Lord’s unfailing love. The kind of love that these people couldn’t give me.
When I found out my baby was a girl, it terrified me. There came all these thoughts again,
What if she turns out to be like me?
I didn’t want my daughter to go through anything I have been through.
What if this world, this horrible world makes her suffer just like I did? I don’t want her to be anything like me.
That’s when I surrendered my life to the Lord and I asked Him to wash me clean, stripping off all the bits and pieces of hate, anger, depression, sexual immorality, pride, rejection, and neglect out of me.
I secured my identity in the Lord.
I read Galatians 5, which a friend asked me to read. It says that I am a new creation because of the Lord. How amazing is that? Just because of God’s love, all of your sin - the old you - is now forgotten. All of the sins you think are unforgivable, are forgiven. In Jesus’ holy name, you can now be made new.
I promised that I would live this life for the Lord, using my story to give Him all the glory and praise. I stopped smoking and drinking. I’ve accepted that the relationships the Lord cut out of my life is for my best.
Because that’s all He wants for me, the best.
I now rely on the Lord for everything, from the tiniest decisions to the huge ones. I am not perfect. I still commit mistakes and sometimes sin. But now, I have a genuine desire to do what pleases Him--to live a life that people see Him leading.
The Lord’s grace has made a new person. I have now accepted my past and I hope my story can bring people to the Lord.
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