Angel


I’m that girl.

That girl who has a Pinterest board organizing every detail of my wedding from the engagement ring, to the flowers, and the honeymoon suite. I’ve spent endless nights fantasizing what it will be like to be married. I started praying for my future husband at 15. Since then, my heart hasn’t stopped trying to write out what I think is my perfect love story. I’m the hopeless romantic that loves a good Disney princess kind of ending. So, it was hard to understand why I was always getting my heart broken.

I followed the Lord, I led Bible studies, I went to church, I shared His Word with others, I even wanted to save myself for marriage. Why wasn’t the Lord leading a Godly man into my life? Why were other women being pursued and loved while I prayed every day to be rescued from this burden of singleness?

I experienced the burdens of heartbreak many times in my life, but the heartbreak that weighed me down the most wasn’t from a breakup or my past relationships. It was the pain of endlessly searching for a love that felt like it never came. Searching but never finding. Loneliness. Uncertainty. These things stole my joy.

It wasn’t until February of my freshman year of college at a worship night that I realized I had to stop searching for love and satisfaction outside of Jesus. That night I decided to give up the very thing I desired most, dating and relationships. I made a promise to the Lord to fast from guys and dating of any kind for an entire year. It was a bold and difficult decision to make, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat. From that day forward, my life and my relationship with Jesus was dramatically changed forever.

Throughout this year I felt an array of emotions. Often times things were smooth and filled with nothing but joy. I could see clear evidence that The Father was moving in my heart and using me to praise His name. Other times my heart ached. I still longed to feel loved and desired, to be pursued. Often, I still felt like I was always looking for the one. I continued to pray for my future husband, but I stopped begging the Lord to bring him to me and started praying the Lord would bring Himself to me. I knew if I couldn’t be satisfied in the Lord without a husband, I couldn’t be satisfied with one.

My daily prayer was that God would satisfy my heart and that I could be satisfied and joyful in the Lord, no matter my relationship status. There were times that I failed. I became easily discouraged because of the weight I put on my own shoulders as I tried to seek the Lord fully. But little by little I saw my life mirroring a life that put the Lords desires above my own.

As I laid my burdens at his feet, I felt my desires changing to look more like His. Even as I prayed for satisfaction, I didn’t realize the Lord had already given it to my heart. My day-to-day thoughts weren’t consumed with thoughts of the future or a life without marriage. But my thoughts yearned for Jesus. I had joy in simply being with my friends and family, pursuing my career ambitions, and spreading the Word of God.

This year changed my perspective on love. My eyes were opened to see that groom I’d been praying for, had been there all along. Jesus was and is the Groom that gave His body to have my heart forever. I’m the bride he rose to retrieve. I don’t need a perfect Pinterest wedding to have my fairytale ending. Jesus Christ and His constant pursuit of my heart is my love story.

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#relationships #dating #love #identity #faith

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