In the past, anytime there was a possibility of sharing my “story,” I had always been terrified. “What do I say? Who would want to hear my story? Do I even have a story?” These questions haunted me for many years after giving my life to Christ and following Him in baptism. Yes, I knew in my head that I was a new creation, a worthy creation, but my heart just took a while to catch up.
I have always fallen into the trap of believing that my story was not powerful enough. I have never gone through a horrible trauma or been delivered from an addiction to drugs or struggled with religious persecution, so what do I have to add to stories as powerful as those? It was through this wandering that God heard my questioning and was faithful to show up and show me just how useful my story can be.
After I had my son in January, 2017, I fell into a deep rut that I attributed to hormones and becoming a new mom. However, the longer and longer that I allowed myself to be complacent in that dark place, the deeper the roots dug into my spirit. Around 7 months after my son was born, I finally voiced my inner thoughts to my husband. “Am I even doing anything worthwhile? Do I have a purpose? I’m not even sure that I can feel Christ anymore.”
These things were heartwrenching to admit and actually speak aloud. My husband was shocked that I had allowed my mind to go to these places, but it was so easy in the moment. In those months of isolation, it seemed that the easy way out was to allow bitterness in and to question my entire existence. In that moment, God felt a million miles away. I had turned my back on Him and tried to get myself through this dark time without His help, and I had miserably failed.
For months, the enemy had so persistently whispered these lies to me, and I was listening. Because I lost my identity in Christ and allowed myself to be influenced by the lies of the enemy, I experienced an entire identity crisis and believed that my life was not worth anything. I remember so vividly crying out as tears flowed down my face asking God why He wasn’t showing up in my life the way I had seen him show up in others. Why was I not being delivered from this? Why was God not using me? It was through this intense searching and despair that God softly spoke to my heart. He led people to my aid. One day, seemingly very suddenly, I was able to see the fruit of the work that God is doing in the lives of those around me through my own life and witness. I felt God speaking to my spirit and He was telling me that I was making a difference. He was telling me to remember that I am His child, I am an heir to His kingdom, and He is using me to make a difference for His cause.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26
I began to live with a sense of purpose that I hadn’t known before. Suddenly, everything began to fit into place and God spent serious time showing me that He had never left me. It was through this trial and this identity crisis that God ignited a fire inside of my soul that will never be quenched. This fire is the driving force behind everything that I do. I live with an urgency now and a deep longing and laser focus to remain in the center of His Will. I truly believe that God allowed those long, long months of searching and despair to bring me to exactly this place. I needed a wake up call, a call to action, and He was faithful to provide just that.
So, if you can learn anything from my story, I pray that it would be the true understanding that You were created for a purpose. Even on days when you feel as useless as a white crayon, trust that God is faithful and He will provide. There are so many trials that we are faced with in this world. We are strangers here, we were not created for this world and we know it. Don’t let something as simple as a passing thought of unworthiness shift your focus from the goodness of God.
I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime-- until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. - Isaiah 46:3-4
He knew what I was struggling with, He knew the deep, deep darkness that had rooted itself in my heart, and He always knew exactly when I was finally turn my focus back to Him and allow Him to help me escape. When I think back on this time in my life, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I can now see that God was right there with me through all of the pain, patiently waiting for the time that I would truly rely on His love to get me through. I am a new creation in Christ and because of Him, I always have an identity.
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