“And if Not, He is Still Good.”
This is something I think of constantly when I look back at how my life has played out.
Growing up, I felt often as though love was something to be earned. I was taught
that love was something that I received when I played a good game or got a good grade on a test.
However, my earthly dad's love seemed to be something I was not worthy of when I messed up - which seemed to be often. I was reminded frequently that I was a disappointment and a screwup. How could God be real, and how could He be good, if I couldn’t even earn the love of my own father?
After years of an unstable home, my parents finally divorced my junior year of high
school. I was thrown another curveball when my mom informed me that I would be moving
across the country (from San Francisco, CA to Lexington, KY) for my senior year of high
school. How could a God that was so good take this bit of comfort I had and be so quick to
replace it with uncertainty and fear? With all these unanswered prayers, God seemed to be a master at letting me down.
After finishing my senior year in Lexington, I decided to stay in Kentucky for college and
attend WKU. When I got to school in the fall, I didn’t have any interest in going to church. I took my freedom as a chance to do away with this God who seemed to betray me over and over again.
With that being said, I find it astonishing how unconditionally our God loves us. Even if we reject God 100 times, He reaches for our hand 101 times.
After joining a Sorority, I made a lot of friends who were Christians. They would go to church together and attend Wednesday night services, and finally after being so curious about these gatherings they loved so much, I finally accepted an invitation from my friends Christina and Madi to go to a worship service one night. While there, I was so intrigued by these friends of mine who were so joyful and believed so steadfastly in the Lord, that I then took the leap to go to a church service with these friends one Sunday morning.
This is where I began to feel the Lord really tugging at my heart. However, I found it easier
to turn my back on Him than to run freely into His arms. I accredit this mostly to fear. I was
scared that a sinner like myself with more flaws than I can count couldn't be loved by a God so perfect. I found it so hard to receive the Lord’s grace when I grew up having to earn a love that was supposed to be unconditional.
The fall of my sophomore year, my sorority started a Bible study and I was quickly able
to make Monday nights with these girls my refuge. This study was led by two alumni of my
sorority, Kimmy and Jan. These amazing women, as well as all the girls at Bible study, accepted me right where I was at, and led me to understand the joy and liberation that comes when you surrender your life to Christ.
At the end of November of the fall semester. I was sitting at a red light, when the song
“Lord I Need You” came on shuffle. With absolutely no control, I burst into continuously
flowing tears. I knew at that moment I was His. I was done running. Done hiding. His grace
saved me, it was that simple.
Later that week I accepted Christ and in February I was baptized.
So, I return to “And if Not, He is Still Good.” My life was never picture perfect. I didn’t
have this perfect childhood and I have fought my fair share of battles. However, I know that
through every struggle, God was and will always be with me. Instead of blaming God when bad things happen, I turn to him. He holds my heart, and it could not be in safer hands.
Want to know more about a relationship with God? CLICK HERE