First off I’m a mom to 7 children. Yes 7! Some of you are probably thinking I’m crazy. But I’m not. God has blessed me tremendously with my children. And it’s through my children that my walk with God gets closer!
I have been married a few times and it’s something I’m not proud of. I always had a empty feeling and thought I had to be with someone, when in reality what I needed was Jesus. I been married to someone who was jealous of my son, a drug addict & alcoholic, and a abuser (verbally, mentally, & physically).
But with God I was able to get away from these men. In the midst of everything God blessed me with my children.
My first son was born April 19, 1997. Perfectly healthy! His dad was jealous of him. He kicked a can of soup and it almost hit my son in the head one day. Some time later he walked up to me while I was only my son in my arms with a loaded gun. I then chose to leave. My priority was to take care of my son! I didn’t want in that situation. I soon divorced and sometime later got remarried.
The man I married this time took my first son as his own. After 9 months of being married I gave birth to another son. Again perfectly healthy. Time went by and I ended up pregnant again but I had a miscarriage at just 4 weeks. I was crushed and didn’t know how I would get through it.
But I did. God gave me the strength I needed everyday. Life went on, and my second husband and I had some problems and chose to divorce. So I was a single mother of a 5 year-old and a 2 year-old. I did all I could to take care of my boys. I lived the single mom life for quite some time, then life brought another man into my life.
He seemed perfect. But that was the thing, he seemed perfect... we got married and five months later I was pregnant. But this time my world was shaken. My husband this time ended up abusing my second son one day. He physically and sexually abused my four year old. As a mother my job is to protect my kids. So I filed charges and I left. They never did anything to the man that did that to my son. He was free. I never understood it but knew God had a reason for everything. So here I was, pregnant and a single mother again.
I was working at McDonald’s as a manager & providing for my children. At 6 months pregnant I went to a routine appointment and found out the baby I was carrying had very little amniotic fluid around her. They could only see one kidney. My world was crushed. I drove home and packed because I was being sent to a hospital in Lexington, KY.
After getting there they started me on about twelve different medicines and did all kinds of tests. I found out I was having a girl. And with everything that had been going on I felt it my responsibility to tell my little girl’s daddy. I called and told him, and he never once came. Weeks went by and I went into labor on November 28, 2005. They gave me medicine to stop it but it didn’t work. That day I gave birth to a 3.3lb, 15 inch little girl. She was beautiful & perfect to me. But she couldn’t breathe on her own. They sent her to UK hospital. I went the following day. They put her in the NICU and she had all kinds of cords and monitors. I watched my little girl fight for eleven days and then I told her it was okay to go. I held my daughter as she took her last breath. I gave her her a bath and I took her to the funeral home. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is pick out my child’s casket and last outfit they would ever wear. But God brought me to it and through it!
My life was going well. I found someone I loved again. Or at least that’s what I thought. He was someone I normally wouldn’t be my type. See that empty feeling I had I was trying to fill but the wrong way. I thought I had to have someone. And I did. Just I wasn’t looking for the right person. I wasn’t looking for Jesus. I got married & was happy. We went to church as a family. My husband, me, my two boys, my husband’s daughter and son. We were happy! Life went on its way. Then my life was turned upside down.
On my way to work one rainy day I wrecked with my boys in the car. My 8 year-old was feeling bad and I allowed him to sit up front. Little did I know that would be the last time I had my boy. As we were on the four lane, a white van pulled out in front of us. I tried to stop but it was raining and I couldn’t. It didn’t help that the van was going slow and still in my lane crossing the road. Our cars hit. My car spun in a circle and went across the four lane. We were hit again on the side my sons were on. The next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital. They wouldn’t tell me about my sons. We were shipped to Cabell Huntington Hospital in West Virginia! There I lay for hours and finally I got the news my 8 year-old son was dead.
My world was crushed again. I was mad. I didn’t understand why this had to happen again. I made my way to my other son to let him know his brother was gone. I was hurt. My son, Curtis, was hurt. But I had to be strong for him. See, even though I went to church, got saved in 2001, I couldn’t understand why God let this happen. I blamed myself for a long time. And honestly I still do. I should have never put my boy up front, no matter if he was sick. I think of him every day. And always wonder what he would be like.
Not long after, I got divorced due to my husband doing drugs. So now I was a single mom again. Trying to rebuild my life with my only son. And I did. We did things together.
We went to church & we prayed. I still knew deep down that God had a purpose. I never gave up on Him like He never gave up on me. I trusted Him every day, even after everything. But we were hurt. My son was hurt. He never talked about his brother and still to this day won’t.
Time passed & guess what. I found love again. But this time I knew God placed us together. He was younger but I didn’t care. We were meant to serve together and serve God. We got married and in 9 months our first son was born. Kaden was a true blessing to us. He actually looks like my son Seth that passed. I always say God knew I needed a little piece of him back. Another year and half past and our second son Keilan was born. He was precious and always had a serious look on his face. He looked more like my husband than Kaden. They were only about 15 months apart. They would have been so close. Kaden loved being a big brother. He would help feed, bathe, and change Keilan. I needed to help my family out, so I went back to work when Keilan was 2 months old while my husband stayed home with our boys.
It was a Sunday and I had to work that night. I normally didn’t. Keilan had cried earlier with a belly ache. I was at work and I got a call on my cell. I didn’t answer because I wasn’t allowed to. But then the manager told me I was wanted on the phone at the office. My heart immediately sunk. It was my oldest son Curtis telling me something was wrong with Keilan. He said, “Mom he was pale and Kyle took off running with him.”
I called and no one would answer. But then finally I got ahold of someone and they told me to get to the hospital. I left work and went straight there. I waited what seemed forever. I messaged, called, asked people to pray. Then I watched as an ambulance pulled in and they rolled my 3 1/2 month old son out on a bed and was bagged. He wasn’t breathing. They were working on him. I couldn’t go see him. My heart was shattered yet once again. I couldn’t understand why. Why was I going through this again?
Why me? What did I do to deserve this? These were all the questions I asked myself. That night my sweet boy passed away from aspirating in his sleep. The next day we picked out the casket and his last outfit. It’s been almost 6 years and it still hurts.
After Keilan passed we tried to have one more, and we decided we would then be done having children. Not that having another would take Keilan’s place, but that God would allow us to have one more. And if not then that would be fine. After trying for over 5 months I got pregnant again. Our sweet, rotten, handsome boy Caysen Emerson was born July 10, 2014.
Caysen was my last and he has brought so much joy to our life. None of my kids I had took the place of those I lost. Because you see, I look at myself in this way: I was thankful God allowed me to be my children’s mother. He handpicked me to be their mom. No one else. Me!! So for that I am grateful. I would rather have my children I lost for the short amount of time I was allowed to carry, give birth to, and to watch them grow. I just thank God for giving me the chance to be a mother again.
Our life was great. One big happy family, but then another curve in the road. My marriage was in trouble. It started out that way after 6 1-2 yrs of marriage. I had caught my husband talking to other women. And I lost trust, questioned everything, felt like I wasn’t enough, and couldn’t understand why. After trying to hold on with everything I had and talking to a Christian couple nothing helped. Cell phones were hidden, messages deleted, and more. I cried, prayed, cried and prayed for God to save my marriage. To work on it. And still after every second, hour, day, week, month, year I had no answer, nor were we any closer to having our marriage restored. One day I finally woke up and said, “Okay Lord. I’ve had enough. Let’s do this.”
My husband at the time filed for divorce. I still continued to pray. Pray God would allow me to do the right thing, to help me be a light for my children. I want them to put God first! I went to the altar every Sunday to pray that God would work it out or let it be. After two months our divorce was final. After my divorce was final I experienced more blessings than I could have ever expected.
I now have a place to call home for my boys and me. It isn’t much, but God provided us with a place to live and to call our own. We are working on it a little at a time. And soon we will be in our home. I have a vehicle that I can afford to get the oil changed, breaks changed, and more. It’s not the best, but it gets me where I need to be. I’m able to afford these things. I can afford for utilities and what my boys need.
See, no matter what storms I have been through, God has always been there for us. He has never left our side. He might have had to carry me a few days but He was there. My faith and trust will forever be in the Lord. Because after all of that in my life, how could you not put your trust in the Lord? He always works it out. Sometimes it might not be the way we want it answered or the time we want, but our prayers get answered. I am happy, I have a home. I have my boys. And most importantly, I have the Lord in my life. With God all things are possible! - Matthew 19:26