I grew up in the church. It was a very strict thing - either you went or you were grounded. It’s not surprising though as my grandfather is a preacher. Church was always an important thing, and still is, to my family. It wasn’t always for me though.

I think I resented it for awhile because I tried to weasel my way out of going for quite some time. So then I learned to just embrace it and I engulfed myself into going. I attended Sunday mornings, nights, and Wednesday nights which was for youth groups. I was going to church camp every year, participating in lock-ins, and really anything else I could.

This lasted up until I was about 16. Then I traveled abroad for a year and was genuinely questioned why I was a Christian. I didn’t have an answer. It was all I ever knew, but I didn’t really know it. So, I had a lot of questions for myself and was really trying to find who I was. This lead to me not calling myself a Christian for about five years.

In turn, I looked to other religions during that time. I read many books on the topics, and even attended a Buddhist temple at one point. I was also in a toxic relationship for about a year of this time that led me even farther astray. I was very lost, but the Holy Spirit was tugging at me this whole time. I just didn’t want to listen.

It took me meeting my husband who was involved in church, and then eventually having my daughter for it all to click that finding Jesus again was what I was missing from my life. That it wasn’t a lack in earthly fulfillments that I was missing, but a spiritual relationship with our Heavenly Father.

Since having my daughter almost three years ago I have not looked back. I only look to what He can give me to fill my cup. I trust in Him to provide my fulfillment. I also know I would not be as close to Him as I am now if I hadn’t lost our son at 21 weeks.

It was a very difficult time for our family, but we knew He had a plan for us. We had hope that our son’s death would not be for nothing. Which led to us having plans to help others in our community who have also experienced stillbirth or miscarriages. There are no words to alleviate the pain of a loss, but there is hope in Christ Jesus, and He will be there for comfort and grace.

Now, after everything I’ve been through I can’t imagine calling myself anything other than a Christian. I would not have been able to get out of a toxic relationship without the Holy Spirit at my side nudging me. I would not have met my husband without the guidance from the Holy Spirit. And I most definitely would not be someone so full of hope, and happiness after losing a child if it wasn’t for Jesus. I owe Him for the life I live now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. - Hebrews 6:19



If you or a loved one have experienced the pain of a stillbirth or miscarriage, see our counseling resources page here.

#stories #motherhood #followingGod #hope


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