Ayngelea - A Story of Miscarriage
SENSITIVITY WARNING: story of miscarriage/infant loss.
On November 8th, 2016 I woke up knowing there was another life growing inside of me. My husband and I were expecting our third child. I was 5 weeks and 3 days. I’m almost 100% positive our baby was a girl, a little girl we decided to name Avalon Faith. As soon as I discovered I was pregnant I began planning every aspect of her little life, that I possibly could. I picked out her nursery colors, eggplant and eucalyptus, I picked out our pregnancy announcement and so much more. I got so attached in such a short time, as any mother would.
My husband and I already had two successful, healthy pregnancies so I never expected anything different. Early that morning, I started cramping and bleeding. I didn’t think much of it, I just thought that my body was adjusting to being pregnant again. So we went on with our normal routine. I dropped my kids off at my mom's and Mikey and I went to work. When I got to work I told my boss at the time of my suspicions, she offered to cover me at work and immediately made me go to the E.R. When I checked in and described my symptoms to the triage nurse she, almost immediately, rushed me back to do an ultrasound.
I remember looking at the sonographer's face as she examined the screen with my ultrasound -- she didn’t say anything to me that would make me think I was miscarrying, but she really didn’t have to. I could see hurt in her eyes, I could see the disappointment in her face. As she left she said, “Good luck with everything” and offered me a forced smile. After an hour or so, the doctor came in and confirmed what I already knew. My baby had no heartbeat and my body was rejecting the pregnancy. I couldn't even reply, I just begged God over and over to please let it be a mistake. I knew it wasn't.
My boss left work and came over to comfort me until my husband got there. I remember apologizing to him and telling him how sorry I was. How could I let our baby die? My husband knows me better than anyone, he knew how terribly this would affect me so he did everything possible to help me through it. He was so strong. The doctors told me, “the fetus will come out on its own, don’t worry about anything.” Those words still seem very cold to me. I couldn’t bear the thought of my baby leaving my body and being flushed or thrown away. So anytime I went to the restroom I double checked my pads for any sign of her. We were blessed enough to have found her as she left me.
I remember looking at her tiny little, not fully formed, body. She was grey and smaller than a quarter, but absolutely perfect. I know that’s graphic, but it’s the reality of miscarriage. My husband went outside in the pouring rain at midnight to find the perfect spot for us to put her. He dug in three different places until he found one that was perfect. As he did that, I decorated a small box for her. I wrote her letters, found pictures of the siblings that would never get to meet her and found some small toys to include in her box. As Michael took the box from me and went to bury it, I remember feeling the most empty I have ever felt in my life, it felt like my heart was being buried with that box, and in a way it was.
The next three days were a blur for me. I fell asleep crying, I woke up crying and spent every moment in between crying. I had never had to deal with grief like this. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I blamed myself for the loss of my child. I replayed every day leading up to my miscarriage trying to pinpoint what I did wrong that caused myself to lose my baby. I analyzed every moment from the time I knew I was pregnant up until the loss trying to figure what I did wrong. I thought over and over of what I could’ve done differently to prevent this from happening, but there was nothing that I could’ve done.
Fast forward to 5 months later. After trying for a few months I am pregnant once again with my sweet rainbow baby. I tell all my friends and family and, of course, they are all rejoicing with me. Little do they know, I’m crushed inside. I thought getting pregnant right away would make me so happy and fill that void I had been hiding from everyone, but it didn’t.
For months I never told anyone how depressed I was and how my grief was controlling every aspect of my life. Eventually, it got to the point where I was caring less at work, spending less time with my kids, and quitting every extra activity I was involved in at church. I didn’t care about myself or my well-being. All I could think of was my baby and how God could take her away from me. Why would someone, who I thought loved me so much, put me through that kind of pain? Don’t get me wrong, I was still a believer of Christ and I still loved God and was INSANELY HAPPY about my upcoming pregnancy, but I was so confused. My heart was broken.
I lived with that depression and that grief without telling anyone for months. When I finally started opening up and telling others how I felt, I realized that I had so many people who were praying for me. But I still couldn't get over my grief. I had forgotten who God was. I let myself forget that He was still good. I forgot that God said He would never leave me and I forgot that He knew me before time began and that He had a great plan for my life and that plan was beautiful. It wasn’t until I remembered that did I feel “okay” again.
A lot of people disagree with me when I say this, but my losing Avalon was part of God’s plan for my life. Most people would rather say it was an attack from Satan, but I disagree with that totally. Through this loss, I have grown stronger in my faith which in turn has taught me to worship with abandon and to trust blindly which is something my walk with Christ had always been lacking.
Through this whole season, which has been the hardest of my life, I was constantly questioning God. Why me? Why after I told my kids? Why let me get so attached? Questions that I knew had no answer. A verse that I always meditate over in my times of questioning is this: “Before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that’s what I had in mind for you.” Jeremiah 1:5 MSG. This verse is awesome because it not only tells me that God knew me before I was even conceived, but He also knew my baby. He knew I would conceive Avalon and He knew that she would be called home very early. It was part of His plan not only for me but for my husband, my entire family and for little Avalon herself.
As a parent, one of my goals is to raise my children to love Christ and to have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. Although I will not get to do this with Avalon, I know that the whole time she was in my stomach she heard worship music, she heard goodnight prayers, she heard Bible stories and she heard laughter from a happy family. She saw Christ before she even made it into this world. It comforts me knowing the first person she saw was Jesus, her father above all fathers. It comforts me knowing that she will never know the wicked of this world, that she will never shed a tear of sorrow but instead she will spend every moment of her life in Heaven praising God.
Ladies… grieving moms… if you take anything away from this story, let it be this: As women of faith we must trust in God’s plan for us and trust in His faithfulness to us. We have to remember to keep that hope. Not once has God ever left us and He never will. There is absolutely nowhere we can go that Christ won’t have His eyes on us. Sometimes we just have to take a step back and remind ourselves that God knows JUST what He is doing in our lives and ultimately His plans for us are far greater than our plans for ourselves, even if losing a child is part of that plan.
God will always ALWAYS be faithful and He will always send us our hope. It is of the utmost importance that we always long to seek out God even in our times of grief. We must allow our hearts to trust Him even when it seems like nothing's going right in our lives. Do I still grieve? Absolutely, it comes in waves. But, GOD IS WORKING! He IS doing something amazing, and even though we may not see it right away, we must have faith in God's faithfulness to us and remember that He saw our tomorrow yesterday.
If you are grieving and/or depressed, please know that there is no weakness in asking for help. If you are having any thoughts of self-harm or suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or Text CONNECT to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, anytime, about any type of crisis. Both of these resources are free.
If you or someone you know have experienced a loss such as this and would like to seek healing, check out our Counseling Resources page HERE.
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