I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
- Romans 15:13
Six is the number of babies that I will never have the chance to hold this side of heaven.
Eight is the number of times my heart has exploded at the sign of two blue lines.
1000+ is the number of ovulation and pregnancy tests that have been purchased over the last 10 years.
Five is how many years we’ve been trying, again.
I’m incredibly thankful for the two kiddos I got to carry in my body and another one that I have been blessed to help raise. I pray that I can grieve with hope and live with expectation of His best laid plan. I believe He knows way better than me but for now, I wait and trust.
I am thankful that the Lord has changed my heart to be okay with not having another baby. Upon reflecting on my earthly desires, I realize even though it’s good it may not be His BEST. And my prayer is that I live out His best plan for my life not by my fleeting feeling.
All my life I have tried to fill a hole in my heart in ways with wanting to be popular, dating, perfection, and work ethic. I believed that if I were able to achieve these things that would make the hole filled and before I was a strong follower it came out in ways like seeking attention, wanting approval, seeing myself as unworthy, and ultimately wanting another baby because mine aren’t babies anymore. Again, not that wanting another baby is bad but I need Him to fill that gaping hole, not the next heart struggle.
Does my heart still desire it when I see sweet newborn pictures or get the chance to snuggle a sweet friend’s newest addition? ABSOLUTELY. Am I jealous? Sometimes. Am I confused? If I allow myself to ponder for too long. But those feelings allow me to lean towards Him even more and show me I am human. And the Lord wants all those feelings. He wants to fill that hole. Yes, even the messy ones too.
So I am going to live loved, live boldly, and live in a way that I am completely dependent on Him. I am thankful for every trial. Do I still struggle with trying to fill that hole myself? Yep, daily… but all I have to do is ask and He will provide my heart with exactly what it needs, to be WHOLE by Him, not something from this world.
He is my strength and even though I want to pick up and carry each of those yucky feelings and shove them back in my purse, He’s just asking me to hand them over.
1 Peter 5:7 says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
So, even in the midst of struggling, this is where we have to be bold in our faith with peace, confident hope, and joy only the Holy Spirit can provide.
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