It’s been 11 years ago that God proved His grace and mercy to me in a way that I had never experienced. To many people my story may be controversial, but to me it’s an amazing testimony of God's provision, grace, and unconditional love.
At the time, I was a 41 year-old, married mother of 2 and in a marriage that had been in trouble for years. I was and am still the daughter of a prominent pastor in my community. I've always been very active in my church, coordinating activities for our women’s groups, singing in the choir, a soloist, worked with the youth, and taught Sunday School. I was what most would consider a "fine Christian lady.” I was the "model" mom whose life revolved around my children's activities. Wherever they went, I went. I consumed myself with them.
My marriage of 16 years had been struggling for a very long time, but we had managed to hide that from the outside world. Satan knew where I was weak, and I began to confide in a male friend that I worked with, who had also been one of my son's coaches. He was a Christian and very involved in his church and like myself, was dealing with a failing marriage due to infidelity.
Within a matter of weeks our relationship took a turn that forever changed both our lives. I had been separated from my husband for a couple months and he from his wife, but we began a relationship that was not of the Lord. I became pregnant with his child and was facing a mountain of obstacles. I was 42 years old, he was 10 years older than me. We both worked in our local middle school and being of a different skin color in a small country town heightened an already complicated situation. We couldn’t believe we had let this happen and were unsure of how everything would play out. We had made a very unwise decision, but now there was an unborn child involved.
I'm sure what most Christian folks would like to hear is that our marriages were healed and now we all work together to raise this child, but that's not what happened.
We had fallen in love and I had fallen in love with this little life inside of me, but how would we ever be able to face our families, our children, the spouses who we were not yet divorced from, our co-workers, and our community? Needless to say, I was distraught, lower than I've ever been.
My son left me to go live with his father and did not speak to me for 4 months. I was desperate to spare my children heartache and myself humiliation and disgrace. I could have never foreseen what God was about to do.
Out of despair, I scheduled an abortion, not because I didn't want this child, but I was trying to save everyone else’s pain. Trying to fix things. Make the hurt and shame go away. It was so very out of character for me to do something like this, but I was desperate to try and make things better.
I spent hours a day crying out to my Lord for guidance and forgiveness, as did the father of my child. We prayed together and went back and forth on our choices. God stepped in within a matter of hours of the appointment and made it impossible for me to make it to the abortion clinic. It was divine, and the rest of the story is bigger than I will ever understand...ever.
The abortion was scheduled for a Thursday morning and on Wednesday afternoon while working; I begin to experience chest pains. I drove myself to the ER and was admitted. They ran several tests and kept me overnight. That night in the hospital my heart was aching in so many ways, for my unborn child, for my children, my parents and even my soon to be ex-husband, but I was most ashamed of how I’d hurt my Heavenly Father and how I had allowed Satan to deceive me in such a crazy, out-of-control situation.
Obviously, God’s hand was in the whole thing and He was working, but I hadn’t realized all of that yet. I was blinded by all the hurt I caused, debilitated by the thought of how I would make this up to everyone. But with God all things are possible!
In August, 2009, I gave birth to a baby girl, who to us, was and is perfect. Her name is Alexandra. She is such a reminder of God’s perfect grace. There are so many things that transpired in the next few months, but God held our hands through each obstacle.
Our divorces were eventually final and we were married in January 2011. I would never condone the unwise decisions that were made and although I know Satan got me where I was weak, the ultimate decision was mine. I had made one unwise decision and God intervened with mercy and grace, which led to the life of Alexandra.
What Satan and the world mean for harm, God can use for His good and to bring glory and honor to His name. It's an unusual situation, but I know that God can bless and will bless in spite of sin if we turn it over to Him and glorify Him for His forgiveness and acceptance. The Lord used this time to teach me more about Himself and draw me into an intimate relationship with Him. A relationship I don’t think I would have had if it wasn’t for the pain, heartache, disappointments, and learning to truly depend on Him and His promises. He promises to never leave or forsake us. There is nothing too big or too ugly and shameful that He can’t forgive. He is a God of redemption.
God used the growth during this time to lead our family into a ministry that we can only accomplish through His guidance. And we give Him all the glory.
For we know that all things work together for good, to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28
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