• Lane of Roses

Nikki

Written by: Nikki Tudor


My faith journey starts like many others. As a child, my parents took me to church every Sunday whether I wanted to go or not. I was woken up early and dressed and shoved quickly into the car, so we could grab breakfast at McDonald’s before we went to church. Then I would sit through a service where the loud man yelled about some things I did not completely understand. I usually just colored in my coloring book or tried to take a nap. The only reason I tolerated sermons was because I got to be with my family and with my friends later in Sunday School.


I went and did “Room In the Inn” with my father and other things like that with my family. As I got older, I began to think I understood what the pastor was saying, but I am not fully sure I did. I went on all the mission trips, retreats and choir tours because my closest friends at the time were going.


In high school, I felt like I was not choosing God for myself. I felt like it was the culture around me and my parents choosing my faith for me. I had a battle over going to service with my parents, so they allowed me to work during service and in the café. This is where I found a passion for service. I have always loved helping people, but I just grew up thinking that was the normal thing to do. I got to be a leader in a service organization in high school, but high school is where I had some of my worst demons come out to play and where I found some of my highest mountains.


I was easily stretched too thin constantly, never was positive who my friends were, and just all around trying to please people. This made me extremely insecure which also made me easily manipulated. I also had a few extremely supportive friends who I know I will have for a lifetime, and for them I will be forever thankful, but for me at least it is easier to find God in my hardships instead of the good things in life.


Although I will always love helping people and want to do more, God put me in that leadership position for a reason. He put me there for me to realize how to prioritize and say no. Sadly, this was a very hard but very necessary lesson for me to learn, and I had to lose some people along the way that may have not always been the best for me, and I may have not been the best for them.


God really wanted me to grow in that season, which I think I did, but while I had some of the best times, that season also created some of my worst insecurities. It is hard to break old insecurities, but college has taught me who I really want to be and who I really want to be friends with.


I truly believe God puts people in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes those reasons are heart wrenching and painful, but something better always comes out of them. Maybe not immediately, maybe not in a year, but something is always coming.


I still have my questions for God, and I am still on a journey to find who I am supposed to be in His eyes, instead of my own. To be completely honest, I am not sure who I am, and I do not know when I will know. I just can not wait for God to lead me there.



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