Written by: Sarah Guirguis
I am what you would label a “control freak.” I struggle with anxiety and I cope with it through trying to control everything. This leads to me equating my value to what I accomplish, and that is a tangled web. These past 3 years have led me on a journey of brokenness in Christ so I can be made new again.
In 2016, my husband and I found out we were expecting and moved back down to Georgia to be around family. Then, in January 2017, we had our baby and a short 7 months later my husband left dentistry for full-time ministry through the call to priesthood. It was now up to us to help plant a new church within our diocese for the Christian Coptic Orthodox Church in Atlanta. It was a tough but exciting decision to go on this journey alongside God.
You would think that after accepting a decision like that, I had shown God that I am letting Him control it all, right? So, back to my plans. After several months of trying for a second child, we were excited to announce that our daughter would be a big sister. Around 6 weeks in, and after experiencing much pain, I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. Several ER trips later, resulting in scary and life-threatening emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy and tube, and I was shaken and devastated.
I felt like God let me down and I was afraid of trying again. Eventually, I chose to focus on His protection and “cautiously” trust Him. After another year and a half of trying, we got pregnant again. I was considered high risk due to my last pregnancy and had to go in every few days for blood work and monitoring. My numbers were not rising properly, so my anxiety (and Google), got ahold of me. At 7 weeks, I miscarried again. That familiar feeling of being let down by God crept in. Just when I thought I was finally surrendered to whatever God wanted, He let me get pregnant and miscarry again. Why would God let me go through this lonely and shameful pain?
I felt like a failure as a woman because I couldn’t do what I THOUGHT a woman should be able to do, and a failure to my daughter that I couldn’t give her the sibling she needed. After several weeks of battling with God, I was reading the Bible and came across this passage:
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” - 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
God was breaking me down in an area I needed, in order to make me new. I cannot control one of God’s biggest miracles of creating a person. My value is not in what I do and it’s not in what I THINK a family should look like. God is my worth, my value, and He is in control. My pain is to help those who are going through the same struggle and to show them hope in the living Christ who brings us comfort and salvation through our sufferings.
When I started sharing with others my pain and experiences, others came forward to admit their feelings of loneliness and shame of the same struggle with miscarriages. I am here to tell you that you are beyond valuable to God because He created you, and not because of your status of motherhood or what we think a woman should do or be. I am here to tell you there is comfort in the Father of Compassion that is using this for our salvation and to help others find comfort, healing, and salvation through our struggles. I’m not saying I am completely ok with my struggle with secondary infertility, but I know I am not alone. I am choosing hope and choosing trust that whatever path God wants to take our family on, I will let go, let God, and trust in Him.
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