Written by: Tabor Rulon
Flashback to 2010, there was a little girl named Tabor and she thought she had a relationship with the Lord. She told her parents she wanted to get baptized, but, secretly, she didn’t fully understand the reason behind it.
That girl was me; I made that decision a decade ago and had no idea that I did not truly know Jesus.
That day I was surrounded by my family, who were very proud of me, and my friends, who had grown up with me from the start. I stood up in front of my church body and repeated some words, gave my confession, and proceeded to the baptism pool. After everything happened, I didn’t feel very different, but I knew that after that moment I would get to take communion every Sunday. From that moment on, my life hadn’t really changed; it just stood still, but what I didn’t know was that God had something down the road.
I grew up at a private Christian school and went to church every Sunday, so you can imagine the amount of Bible knowledge I was obtaining. Throughout high school I developed an anxiety disorder and had to start taking medication for it. Not many people knew that I was going through that because I didn't really know what I was going through myself. What my friends did notice was that I was acting different and not like myself.
I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. Weren’t these people supposed to be my friends? How could they not want to include me in things and spend time with me? I immediately blamed God for it because I was being shut out by the people I trusted the most, all the while, I was shutting out the person who was always there.
After I noticed that my anxiety medication was causing this personality change, I stopped taking it, and I tried relying on the Lord. I thought that I had to start doing good works to get back on His good side.
After graduating high school I wanted to start a new walk with God. I started going to college and got involved with a campus ministry. I ended up meeting someone who would disciple me, or mentor me in my faith. She asked me if I knew what doing “quiet time” was, which is spending time with the Lord on your own. I thought to myself, wow, people open up their Bible on their own time? I was used to opening it when I had to study a memory verse for a quiz, or opening it during a sermon at church. During my freshman year of college I grew tremendously in prayer, spending quality time with the Lord, and relying on Him in all circumstances, but after that year I didn’t know what He had in store for me.
My sophomore year started out great., I thought me and Jesus were tight, we were chill, and then one day my discipler asked me, “What was your 'coming to Jesus story' and when did you get saved?”
I started to question: when did I truly know that I wanted Him in my heart for the rest of my life?
I never had that feeling. How could I never have had that feeling? I got baptized almost ten years ago, so I must be saved.
Those were my initial thoughts but I started to have questions. I never understood the difference in being saved and just getting baptized. I was sitting on my discipler’s couch one night and she asked me if I were to die and go to heaven, and God asked me why I deserved to come in, what would my response be?
I tried to come up with this elaborate answer of good works I had done, but the only answer is that He loves me and that I have a relationship with Him.
I realized that it wasn’t Jesus + all of these good works, it is Jesus + nothing.
In Romans 10 it tells us to confess with your mouth that He is Lord and if we believe in our heart that God raised Him from the dead that we will be saved. Ten years ago it wasn’t my heart that believed, but now I know that on October 9th, 2019, I called out for the Lord and He reached His hand down and took hold of it, as if I hadn’t asked for it before. After that night, I felt a change, but this time I knew that I had been saved.
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