The Lies of Motherhood: Losing My Baby Was My Fault
Dedicated to Ezekiel Philip Epler
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Parents must not be put to death for the sins of their children,
nor children for the sins of their parents.
- Deuteronomy 24:16
When I had my first son prematurely and he died, I blamed myself.
“Maybe if I had fought harder for him he’d still be here.”
“I obviously didn’t pray enough and believe enough that God would heal me and save him so that’s why He didn’t.”
“I should have demanded to be sent to a better hospital before he was born.”
Did you, or do you, blame yourself friend?
I don’t know what could have been different, but I know He writes our stories and it has all gone how He has planned it to. As Paul wrote from prison, “And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News” (Philippians 1:12). What has happened to him, to me, and to you is for a purpose - His purpose. The purpose to share the good news of the Gospel. That He is our hope, light in the darkness, and comforter during trials and tribulations (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
These lists we make in our minds of what could have been, the things we don’t have answers for? I wish I could tell you that you will get an answer here on earth, but you won’t. But we do have an answer that we can understand here, and that is, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18). He is with us. He is crying with us. He is heartbroken with us. He is there for us. He will never leave us nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8).
My dear friend, this is not your fault. You did nothing to cause this. I know you’re probably thinking “easy for you to say, but you don’t know my sins.” And you’re right, I don’t. But He does, and you know what He thinks about that?
“Parents must not be put to death for the sins of their children, nor children for the sins of their parents.” - Deuteronomy 24:16
Now, I don’t know about you, but when I found that verse I became overwhelmed with such peace. I was at peace with the fact that my son didn’t die because of me. I finally understood that God's love is unfailing. He still loves me through all my sins, all my doubts, all my estrangement from Him and He loves you too. Never forget that.
Even though I know how hard it is right now to feel that love when the thing you wanted most was taken so quickly from you. Just know your baby is being so loved on right now by Jesus. He’s holding them in His arms until you can again.
Friend, you are not alone in this. I am praying for you, and I hope you can find comfort in God's Word today. Hold tight to 2 Corinthians 4:18, “So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”
1. What Scripture from today’s devotion can you write down and take with you today to re-read?
2. Is there someone who has lost a baby you can reach out to today and check on?
Heavenly Father, losing a baby is such a heavy grief. It tests us in ways we never thought we would be. It makes us question You and Your goodness. Be with us today as we wrestle these feelings, and show us Your comfort, love, and mercy. Be our strength, give us hope, and grace to handle the daily tasks. Help us focus on that which is eternal, and to seek You. Only You can provide the peace we are so desperately searching for. We need You. I need You. In Jesus’ name, amen.
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